Hrmph. I’m struggling with everything at the moment. Bottom line? I feel like crap. It’s so frustrating to feel so bad when there isn’t really anything visibly wrong with me. I constantly feel like there’s something wrong, and maybe there is…but whatever it is isn’t obvious and would require trips to the doctor and tests and since I don’t have insurance…well, that’s a daunting financial proposition.

Part of me says that this is just part of the process. That there are things going on in my body that I don’t understand, related to getting healthier but with the whole…it’s got to get worse before it gets better. Like, I’ve been wondering lately just how many toxins and whatnot get released when one starts losing weight? Considering how sick I can get after a deep tissue massage…I’m betting quite a bit.

And…it hasn’t helped that I haven’t been very aware of what I’ve been eating these last few days. I was shocked to realize that the sum total of what I ate yesterday was: berries (carbs), ice cream (yuck!) and a few ribs with carby sauce. My stomach didn’t care for either the ice cream or the ribs. I didn’t have nearly enough: water, fat, or protein. Is it really any wonder I feel like poo today? I don’t even remember what I ate the day before. Ah..paleo pizza (which didn’t taste too bad but I don’t think my stomach liked it.) and a bunless burger at VI, I think.

That’s been another challenge for me right now is my sleep schedule. When I sleep, I do not sleep well. Every little thing wakes me up. I will seriously wake up anywhere between 3 and 8 times a night and those are just the times that I wake up enough to realize that I’ve woken up. That doesn’t count the times that I semi-wake up. I’ve had a harder and harder time getting to sleep so I’ve been going to bed later and later, hoping that if I exhaust myself, I won’t lay there for ever, tossing and turning, before finally falling asleep.

This, and the fact that I was sick, has totally thrown my sleep schedule out of whack. I didn’t really have one before but it got ridiculous, with me staying up until 9, 10, 11 am and sleeping until sometime in the evening. The Primal Blueprint stresses good sleep. Even without the PB, I know that good sleep is essential for me. I’ve seen what happens when I get too sleep deprived. Having a meltdown while trying to cut up some peaches is not desirable behavior.

However, most of the time the effects of poor sleep are much more subtle and it’s easier for me to just ignore it. I can never tell if I’m tired all the time because I’m not getting the correct nutrients (I suspect I have some type of anemia, though I’m not certain whether it’s iron or B-12) or if it’s because I didn’t sleep well the night before. Even when I feel like I have slept ok, I’m tired, but then…sleep deprivation is cumulative and one night of good sleep doesn’t make up for many nights of poor sleep.

The Man functions best staying up all night and sleeping during the day. This has been my sleep schedule, to varying degrees, since he and I got together. Often, I have early classes, or want to do something with people during the day, so there are many “nights” I only end up getting anywhere between 3 and 5 hours of sleep. Occasionally, I get real insomnia and end up staying up for 24 hours or more.

One of the side effects of sleep deprivation that I never really considered is that the body produces more cortisol. Basically, sleep dep. stresses the body out. Cortisol is THE stress hormone and my arch enemy.

Having spent years in a chronically stressful situation, my adrenals are severely damaged. I don’t think I’ve reached adrenal fatigue yet, but I’m not far from it. Unfortunately, modern medicine doesn’t recognize “nearly there” when it comes to adrenal fatigue. I’ve been taking an adrenal support supplement on and off for a few years and every time I go to my kineseologist he tells me that my adrenals are out of whack, and asks me if I’ve been taking my supplements. I sigh and say that I’m still struggling with taking them on a regular basis, he fixes me, I feel better for a while and then the cycle starts over again.

This situation has obviously not been helped by my sleep issues which have been going on for the last four years. These last two days, I’ve stayed up extra late in an effort to get myself back on a somewhat normal schedule and I’ve been doing my best to get 8 full hours of sleep. Of course this morning, I woke up exhausted at 7:30am and could not go back to sleep. In addition to not being able to sleep, I was laying there having anxiety attacks over every little negative thing in my life. That’s when I know something is off chemically. I’ve begun to recognize that my anxiety issues are physical. When I’m eating well, getting some exercise, and taking my supplements, I’m happy – pretty satisfied with  life, and easily able to recognize realistically what needs to be improved upon and what is a serious issue that needs to be dealt with.

When those things are off, or I’m hormonal…nothing is ok. At the moment, I’m stressing about school but this morning, every possible little thing that my brain could come up with to freak me out was parading through my brain until I just got up, in frustration. It’s at those times that I’ll remember every single little thing that hasn’t been done, needs to be done, should have been done…on and on.

So…ok. It’s Monday and so far it’s not going so well. I’m going to drink some more water, try to get down some of my supplements (I don’t think all the fish oil is happening today, I’ll take a normal dose – I’m going to HAVE to get some liquid fish oil…all these pills are killing me) Try to eat some veggies with some butter and maybe lay down for a little while. If I start feeling better, I’m going to try and do some push-ups. I want to re-start the 100 push-up and, 200 squat challenges.  In addition, I want to start doing some negative pushups…starting in a downward dog (to stretch my calves which are making themselves known after walking around yesterday at the flea-market in my Vibrams), moving into a plank (holding it for as long as I can) and then slowly lowering myself to the ground – working towards not dropping. We’ll see how I feel later.


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